


I’m Just an Old Soul in the Body of a Young Man, I’m Just Doing My Best to Live Life for as Long as I Can

by rulerofthepotatoes



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester's Birthday, Dean Winchester-centric, Internalized Homophobia, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, John Winchester's Journal, M/M, Not Epilogue Compliant, Not Season/Series 15 Compliant, Set in an Ambiguous Post-Series Time, throughout the years
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-17 10:46:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28973052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rulerofthepotatoes/pseuds/rulerofthepotatoes
Summary: Dean Winchester throughout the years, on the topic of birthdays and wishes.
Relationships: Implied Castiel/Dean Winchester - Relationship
Kudos: 24





	I’m Just an Old Soul in the Body of a Young Man, I’m Just Doing My Best to Live Life for as Long as I Can

**Author's Note:**

> I have yet to watch season 15 so the last part of this is set vaguely after all of That and largely ignores season 15's canon.

Dean’s always looked out for Sammy; it’s his job, always has been, always will be. He’ll never begrudge the kid that – he knows it ain’t his fault – but sometimes he wishes that he didn’t _have_ to look out for him, that it _wasn’t_ his job. He wishes his dad was around more, wishes that he didn’t leave them to hunt so often so he could just be Sammy’s brother, not his caretaker. Mostly though, he wishes they didn’t have to hunt at all; he wishes he still had his mom. 

He misses her a lot, but honestly only remembers her a little. He remembers comforting her once after she had a fight with dad and he remembers her telling him and Sammy that angels were watching over them. He wishes he had more memories of her. His dad doesn’t talk about her a lot, mostly he just talks about getting revenge for her death; talks about finding and killing the thing that killed her. 

For the first few of his birthdays after the fire, he’d wish that somehow she’d come back and that they’d all be safe and happy and wouldn’t have to hunt anymore. That they could just be together, be a safe and happy little family. It doesn’t take him long to grow out of this though– birthday wishes never seem to come true. 

* * *

The first time his dad sends him off on his own to hunt is on his seventeenth birthday. The hunt has him burning the bones of two nuns who’s great sin was being in love with each other. He doesn’t know if it was on purpose, if maybe his dad could tell that there was something wrong with him so he sent him out on this job to remind him that it ain’t right, or if it was just a coincidence, but it scares him all the same. 

It makes him push down the part of him he’s felt growing for a while, and a part of him mourns it. When he gets back to his dad and gives him his report, his dad tells him _“Good work, Dean,”_ and he feels a bit sick but pushes it down even further. 

When he lies in bed that night, he resolves not to think about _it_ or the case again, but for the first time a case has him feeling _wrong_ , has him thinking about the people those bones used to belong to and has him wondering about where they go after they’ve been salted and burned. 

The part of him that still holds a bit of hope has him wishing that wherever those two nuns are, that they’re at least together.

Either way though, the last thought he has before he falls asleep is that burning those bones felt a lot less like he had been hunting and a lot more like he’d been killing. 

* * *

Dean’s never felt like a particularly good person and he’s certainly never felt very holy, so finding out that an angel – a real, actual angel – raised him from the pit is an uncomfortable and unbelievable shock. Finding out that God has a purpose for him is even more so. 

He’s thirty and _God_ has a purpose for him. He’s seventy and thinks it’s all bullshit. He’s been to Hell and he’s tired; he wishes he can just _rest._

Finding out the truth about the apocalypse, about his supposed _destiny,_ makes it all worse than horrible and he refuses to accept it. So he fights it, with Sam and Bobby and Cas. 

Castiel, the angel of the lord that grabbed him, marked him, and raised him out of the pit. He might hate destiny and Heaven’s plans for him and Sam, he might be sick and tired of it all, but the angel that saved him? A part of him – the small part he’s spent so long fighting to ignore and refusing to acknowledge – thinks that maybe meeting Cas just might be worth all of Heaven and Hell’s bullshit. 

* * *

They get through the Apocalypse, though certainly not whole and he can’t claim that they all survive it. More world-ending events happen: Heaven and Hell each fighting amongst themselves and against each other time and time again, Purgatory, the Leviathans, God, the Darkness. 

So much bullshit. So many people lost. He doesn’t have much hope, but Dean never does stop wishing for peace and happiness. 

* * *

It takes them a long time and a real hard road to get where they are now, but they do it. They finally do it. They get their happy ending; _Dean_ gets his unbelievable, impossible, yet very real happy ending. 

All those cosmic entities aren’t a problem anymore; all the bullshit they’ve had to deal with is no longer their problem, it’s over for them now. Now it’s just him and Cas, Sam and Eileen, and Jack all in the bunker together; just Dean and his weird but happy little family. 

He has all of the people he loves together under one roof, and they’re relaxed and happy. He’s _out_ – in more ways than one, he’s now proud to be able to say – and he’s done and he just gets to _rest._ It’s incredible. 

They’re celebrating his birthday today, which is weird because his birthday has _never_ been a big deal before, but it makes the others happy, so he’s cool with it. They also got him a big ass birthday pie, so he might even go so far as to say he’s thrilled about it. 

It was hard getting where they are now, but he’s with his family and they’re smiling and talking and laughing and it’s so _normal_ he almost can’t believe it. 

He’s forty-two years old. This is his life now and it’s _real,_ so it’s good. He doesn’t have to make wishes anymore; he has everything he needs and everything he’d never before been able to admit he wanted. 

So yeah, it’s definitely all good.


End file.
